kindergarten to cosmic

I am introverted.  I am shy.  I am socially awkward.  I struggle to meet new people and make new friends.  I am not alone.

Well, speaking of "alone", folks like me often struggle with loneliness, but even introverts don't like to be lonely. 

Over the years, I have tended to have a fairly small number of friends.  I'm good with that.  A few close friends to hang out with, or to share my thoughts with is really all I need. 

Friendships come in varying degrees and forms, and they change as we move throughout different stages of life.  I have had both long-term and shorter-term friendships, and a number of friendships have morphed from acquaintance to friendship, or vice versa.  In other words, I still "keep up" (mostly via Facebook) with many friends who were considered somewhat close in years past, but time and life have caused us to grow distant.  They are still considered my friends, but I don't go much beyond surface and smalltalk conversations, even if they were once more (for lack of a better word) "intimate" friends.

Actually, I'm a guy who isn't afraid to use the word intimate in the context of friendship.  Dictionary.com defines it simply as "associated in close personal relations".  Even the manliest of men desire a few intimate friendships... yes, with other men. 

I have been blessed with what I consider to be some very good friendships over the years.  The intent of this post is not to chronicle every friendship I have ever had, but rather to highlight various "routes to friendship" I have experienced throughout my lifetime ("friend" being defined as non-family/spouse, for sake of this post).  You (if you consider yourself my friend) may, or may not, recognize yourself in this post.  (If you do not, it is not because your friendship isn't, or wasn't, important to me... the post just isn't intended to be exhaustive!)

For starters, I should pay tribute to my most enduring friendship.  I have had one very close friend since kindergarten!  Our last names are one letter apart in the alphabet, so we were seated near each other during our kindergarten year (with just one girl between us, on which I STILL maintain that he had a kindergarten crush, but he has always vehemently denied this!)  What began in kindergarten, developed into my closest friendship throughout all thirteen years of school.  Although time and life have separated us considerably since then, he is still considered one of my very best friends.  He is the kind of friend that I can go for long periods of time without talking to, but pick right back up where we left off at any given time... the kind of friend who could call me day or night, out of the blue, if he needed my help, and I would help him in any way I could... the kind of friend who I'm certain feels the same.  Friends like this are rare, and should be considered a treasure.  I value this friendship, and at this point I think it is safe to assume we will be lifetime friends... although, I really should make more effort to keep in contact (he lives a whole 10-ish miles from me!)

Similarly, I had a few close friends in college (one from my Audiology courses and the others from my involvement with the Baptist Student Union), many of whom I still maintain some level of contact, mostly through Facebook.  My closest college friend, who was very instrumental in my first date with Jen (but that's a long story), is still a close friend, and our families often do things together.  It's hard to believe (time is going by quickly), but this friendship has endured one side or the other of twenty years!

I have had a few co-worker friendships over the years.  Although I have worked with some really great people,  and I still maintain contact with some of them, only a few have developed into what I would consider "close" friendships.  Of these, one co-worker friendship is a little unusual, and stands out.  I once went to work for a friend in his small company (mostly him and me, occasionally a third employee).  We both approached it fairly carefully at the start, because such an arrangement can either strengthen or ruin a friendship.  I worked with him for seven years (and likely would be still, if the economy hadn't drastically affected his business).  What developed out of that "risk" on both of our parts was a much stronger friendship and a very high level of respect for this person.  This individual holds family in high regard and was very generous in allowing me to flex my work schedule to spend quality time with my family.  He never viewed his employees as "expendable", and I saw him wrestle with the decision any time he had to let an employee go... especially when my turn came!  He was so committed to my family and I, that when the economy began to cause his business (and his industry, as a whole), to shrink severely, he made personal sacrifices in an effort to keep me employed as long as possible... long enough to complete Lily's adoption and Ben's birth (just two months apart).  How rare is it to work for an employer who is that kind of friend?

It is no secret that the period of time since then (for various reasons), has been (and continues to be) one of the most difficult times of my life, to date.  I am facing many struggles that are very personal to me, and it is at times like these that a man really values a friendship that he considers "intimate".  I have recently been blessed with three "newer" friendships, from various sources, with which I have felt a level of sincerity and comfort to confide areas of vulnerability:

One is with a man I greatly admire from a church that we have attended.  He and I have had numerous long conversations, about various topics, over McDonald's breakfasts and during many early morning KraftMaid cabinet outlet shopping runs.  He and his family have been a valuable source of encouragement to me and my family.

The second is a recent co-worker, who sold cars from the cubicle next to mine.  A few years earlier, while shopping for my minivan, he was the salesman I talked to at this dealership.  He was one of the few automotive salespersons that I liked at the time, but I did not end up buying from his dealership (which he has not let me forget).  Recently, when I went to work for this dealership for a year and a half between jobs, I was ironically assigned a cubicle next to his, and spent several hours of "slow time" in deep conversations about various topics.  We discovered that we think a lot alike and have quite a bit in common, and fairly quickly developed a close friendship.  He and I have both since switched jobs, but I valued his friendship during that time.  While I still consider him a close friend, I miss being able to talk with him, as we did then.

The third is a somewhat non-traditional friendship, but is very much a sign of the times.  It is actually what sparked this post.  I am constantly in awe of what the internet has done for our lives.  Granted, there are many negatives associated with the internet, but I still find so much of the capabilities of the internet absolutely mind-blowing.  This friendship, an "internet relationship", is case in point.

For just over three years I have been blogging, with minimal publicity and no access to search engines (by design).  My "audience" is mostly family, friends, and those of the adoption community that read my China travel blog and have carried over to this one... I assume, anyway.  Actually, I have no idea who is really reading what I write, as evidenced by occasional "hits" from nearly all 50 states and a few foreign countries.

A few years back, another "Dad blogger" (who lives several states away, has a family about the size of mine, and enjoys the outdoors), stumbled onto my blog, read a few posts and left a comment (which, as another blogger friend at Raising Tomatoes recently stated, "comments are like crack for a blogger, even when you don't know who is leaving them").  She's right... a comment from a stranger... I must link to his blog to see who he is!  I read a few posts and probably left a comment.  Several weeks or months went by, he shows up again.  Oh yeah, I remember him... let me visit his blog again.  This continued for a while, and increased in frequency, until we became "regulars" at each other's blogs.  I really enjoyed reading what he wrote, and he seemed to feel the same about my writing.

Then one day, after much deliberation (it felt awkward, but then... I am socially awkward), I went to my Facebook page, searched for him, found him, sent a friend request... and waited.  So, it's cool to read his blog, but would he think requesting his friendship on Facebook is strange... would I look like some sort of man-stalker... am I overstepping some social media boundary... how would I respond if the shoe were on the other foot and he sent me a request?  No worries... he quickly accepted my request and indicated that he was glad I found him.  We began to regularly send each other blogger crack comments, and interact fairly extensively via Facebook.  Through "social media", we learned that we shared many commonalities, including that we both considered ourselves somewhat introverted and socially anxious.  Being fellow-bloggers, we both have found the internet to be a very comfortable medium through which to interact, and, even though we have never met face-to-face and never talked outside of the internet, we have developed a very close "virtual" friendship that is every bit as real as any "traditional" friendship.  Not having grown up with the internet, it sounds (even while I am writing this) a little weird, but it is actually fascinating (I think I called it "mind-blowing" earlier) how the internet, through tools like blogging, Facebook and email, can make it possible for two strangers, several states apart, to develop a deep (and I think I can say "intimate") friendship that is mutually valued.

Remarkable.  I am old enough that this latest friendship would have seemed like some cosmic concept from a far-out science-fiction movie back when I was forming that first friendship in my kindergarten class!

I guess the point of this post is twofold.  Firstly, no two "routes to friendship" are identical, and you never know where (or how) you might make a good friend.  And, secondly, I'm thankful for a few good friends, both now and over the years.

happy birthday!

There is a sidebar story to last weekend's events of moving into the new kitchen that I don't want to get lost in the busyness of life. 

Benny's language and vocabulary skills seem to be growing almost daily, which thrills us!  But, he is still obviously way behind a typical three year-old.  It is still often hard for us to understand a lot of what he tries to communicate, and it is often hard to understand what he understands.  It can be frustrating... for both him and us!

He is, however, very social.  He'll talk to you whether or not you understand, and he'll laugh at himself, even if nobody quite knows what is funny.  He's a real character. 

Occasionally, though, he communicates something pretty profound in a way you would never expect.  Just such a thing happened this past weekend.

Benny couldn't really tell us what he understood about the whole concept of waiting seven years to move into a part of the house that we had never before occupied.  He couldn't tell us what he understood about the feeling of finally having a fully functional kitchen, and a dining area and table big enough to accommodate six people.  He couldn't tell us what he understood about how much we all hated the cramped, dingy, drafty "temporary" kitchen we were moving out of.

But, he new something exciting was going on.  He knew the family was excited.  He knew he was excited about the open space to expand his toys into and explore.  He knew he was excited to finally have a place at the table with the family.  His expressions and his actions told us he was excited!  However, he wanted to tell us with words, just so there was no mistake that he was excited.

Pretty hard for a kid who knows what he wants to communicate, but doesn't have the words.  And, even though Benny experienced the feelings, he just didn't exactly have those words.

As Jen was getting him ready for bed last Saturday night (the night we opened the wall and ate our first meal in the new kitchen), he pointed down (his bedroom is over top of the new area) and repeatedly and excitedly said, "down... happy birthday!"  It took us a little while to figure it out, but he was telling us that in the limited vocabulary he has, the only words he could find to match the excitement of the evening was a good, heartfelt "happy birthday!"  The interpretation: "down[stairs] [is exciting like a] happy birthday!"

Since then, he has randomly, and on numerous occasions, walked into the kitchen and exclaimed, "happy birthday!" with a big smile on his face.  Yes, Benny Jay, it is exciting like a happy birthday!

proud of it!

For just over seven years, the remodeling of my kitchen (simultaneously with just over half the total square footage of my home) has been the bane of my existence.  And, while it is still sans trim, window coverings and pantry doors, it finally reached the point of occupation this past weekend!

When I purchased the house, I envisioned the kitchen we just moved into.  Everyone else saw this:

Standing in the original dining room, looking through the cased opening into the original kitchen, complete with red carpet and red countertop with chrome edges!  There was no other cabinetry in the kitchen than what you see here.

Standing in the original kitchen, looking through the cased opening into the original dining room, toward the bay window bench.

Standing in the original dining room, looking toward the rear family room.

For the past seven years, Jen used a "temporary" kitchen (the second substandard kitchen in the home, since the house had been turned into a duplex), while I completely gutted this area, took down the wall between the kitchen/dining, moved the kitchen window and entry door, moved the doorway to the family room, removed a masonry chimney from roof to basement (through the dining room), and contracted 100% new plumbing, wiring, and HVAC duct installation.  (And, that's just the kitchen... I had a bathroom, living room, foyer, stairway, hallway, and 2 bedrooms undergoing similar treatment.)

Throughout the years of work, I envisioned the kitchen we just moved into, everyone else saw this:

Standing in the dining area, looking through where the dividing wall used to be, into the kitchen.

Standing in the kitchen, looking through where the dividing wall used to be, into the dining area.

So, if I had it to do over again, would I do this?  Ummm... NO!

But, that doesn't change the fact that I am pretty happy with the way it turned out proud of it! 

Yeah, in hindsight, it's easy to see it was a mistake, but there's no need to dwell on the negative at this point (I can't change the past, after all).  I'm preferring, instead, to dwell on the fact that I created something nice for my family, and we now have a kitchen to be proud of.  As a draftsman, I liked it on paper, but I like it much more in living color.

Saturday evening was a momentous occasion, as I cut the drywall out of the doorway separating the rear part of the home (where we have lived since we purchased it) and the front portion (where we have never lived), and we ate our first meal (pizza) in the new kitchen at our new table (our old one seated four, we are six)!

Sunday afternoon, I moved the stove and refrigerator from the other kitchen, and declared it officially open for business.  So, I now see the reality of what I always envisioned.  Everyone else finally sees this:

Dining area into kitchen

Kitchen into dining area

Foyer into kitchen

The opening to the family room beyond the bar (moved from its original location), where the opening was cut to join the back half of the house with the front.

The new bay window bench

Family room into the kitchen (the unfinished closet openings beside the fridge will both have doors... a pantry on the left and a small coat/broom/sweeper closet on the right.)

While I can't stop here (I still have a lot of details to finish up), It's a huge load off my shoulders to have the space to a usable point!  It feels really good!  Yeah, it took too long... but, did I mention that I'm proud of it, anyway?

about time

Tomorrow is my fourteenth wedding anniversary.  This year I'm giving my wife a new kitchen.

Before you give me too much credit, understand that she has been asked to put up with quite a lot to get that kitchen.  You see, my wife marked our seventh, eighth, ninth, tenth, eleventh, twelfth, and thirteenth anniversaries in a very uninspiring and substandard "temporary" kitchen, while I remodeled the real kitchen (along with over half the total square footage of our home). 

When I purchased this home, I had a dream of creating a nice home for my family, "with my bare hands".  It was a nice dream that soon turned into a nightmare, because I grossly underestimated the scope of the project and the time investment.  In my defense, I ended up doing a lot more than I originally intended, but I was still way off in my estimates.  My bride has endured much because of this decision, and I wish I could reverse the decision I made several years ago.  Too late, now!

Recently, my project required me to remove the heat duct from her "temporary" kitchen to re-route it into the new kitchen.  I did this in the spring, with the promise that, while it may be short some trim, she would be cooking in her new kitchen by "heating season", which I unofficially deemed November 1st.

Of course, she doubted my promise... after that many years, it felt as though she would never get a real kitchen!

But, although I am eight days overdue (well, I'm a lot more than eight days overdue, but eight days on my most recent promise), I took tomorrow off work for our anniversary, and I plan to spend most of the day cleaning my tools and the last of my dust out and "giving her the keys" to a new kitchen!  I think moving day will officially be Saturday for the major appliances, but she is starting to trickle some kitchen items over to the other side.  Sunday dinner will likely be the first official use of a space in our home that has been unoccupied since we moved here in 2004!

Yes, it's about time.  No, I shouldn't have asked that much of her.  I'm disappointed with myself for the hardship this project has caused my family.  But, it feels good to finally follow through with a dream.  I've learned a lot the hard way, and when I set the "heating season" goal, the kitchen was still an empty room with unpainted walls and no cabinets, but I had enough experience to be confident that it was realistic.  And, I'm a day away from delivering on that promise and getting Jen in a much deserved kitchen!

Sorry, Jen.  Thanks for enduring.  Enjoy the kitchen.  Happy Anniversary!