it wearies me

There are some social situations that weary me.  I could go so far as to call them social pet peeves.  Two, in particular, have been popping up more than usual, lately.  Granted, I'm a bit of an anomaly in these areas.  I am who I am, but I wasn't made to always fit perfectly in this current world.

The first social peeve:  Team sports.  I have no real use for team sports.  I know, I know... it's the holy grail of American society, but they really do nothing for me, particularly, of the professional variety.

(Let me just clarify, though, that if one of my kids were interested enough in a sport to convince me (and I can be convinced) to let them play, I'd be their biggest fan... even if I didn't understand the game very well; which I often don't, since I follow so little of any sports). 

Here's my deal:  It's simple... my Dad was never into team sports, so I didn't grow up having any interest in watching or playing any team sports.  That's all.  (Although, I briefly considered running track in school.)

OK.  My opinion here.  But, isn't it a bunch of spoiled millionaires playing a game that has become so high-tech and sophisticated that there is no real "sport" left?  And, everyone takes it so seriously... spending billions every year to support the system and fuel the obsession right down to youth sports.  When five year-old T-ball teams practice 2-3 evenings a week and arguments or brawls break out in the stands over an error or a bad call, isn't it safe to say we, as a society, have taken sports a little too seriously?  What about the old adage, "it's just a game"?  I know, what a cold, crass opinion, right?  But, MY blog... MY opinion!

(And, while I'm on my soapbox, let me establish a few things for the record:  Being a non-team sports person does not equal being non-athletic!  I enjoy walking, hiking, cycling, and backpacking... all of which could fall in the category of athletics/sports, and all of which require physical participation, not just watching someone else participate.  Frankly, a lot of avid sports enthusiasts are anything but athletic!)

But, the pet peeve isn't that sports exist.  It isn't even that you may have an interest, or possibly a passion, for sports.  That's fine.  The peeve is that sports are so inseparable from being an American, especially an American male, that I become an anomaly just for choosing to take no interest.  Try making social small talk if you're a non-sports American male... virtually impossible.  A classic example (that helped spark this post) is the mandatory daily morning sports meetings sales meetings at our car dealership.  I regularly sit there, with no input or interest, and listen to all the armchair athletes passionately debate what should'a could'a would'a been done in the previous days sports matches.

It wearies me.

The second social peeve:  Introverted people are not very well understood by much of the population.  It seems more attractive and accepted to be extroverted... to the point where some introverted people miserably pretend to be extroverted in some situations.

Of course, there are levels and degrees of introversion and extroversion.  I am probably extremely introverted... to the point where I frustrate my moderately introverted (with extroverted tendencies) wife.  While I'm not [quite] a total hermit, I like being home, and I like being with my family.

"The happiest moments of my life have been the few which I have passed at home in the bosom of my family"  --Thomas Jefferson

Where this becomes a social peeve is when people do not understand or accept that this is just the way the Creator of the Universe wired some of us to operate.  A classic example (that also helped spark this post) is office parties.  I despise office parties or company Christmas parties.*  I don't despise co-workers (usually), I just don't like to spend additional time away from my home and family to spend more time with the people with which I already spend the large majority of my time, probably doing a lot of social peeve #1...

I work with some nice people.  I get along (despite my lack of sports-talk) with everyone at my workplace.  Thankfully, I was spared the misery of a formal company Christmas party.  But, a few of the guys organized an after work dinner/drink social at a local restaurant last week.  I didn't want REALLY didn't want to go.  It's not all about finances, whether or not I drink, or any of that...I'm just not wired to enjoy these settings.  But, my wiring is hard for many to understand or accept.  I'm easily labelled "antisocial"... but... doesn't that kinda parallel the definition of introversion?  Hmmmm

I didn't go, but not without feeling social peer pressure (and people think peer pressure is just a teenage phenomenon!)  And, a few co-workers (probably the ones with introverted tendencies) confided that they'd really rather not go, but felt they "had to".  What?  Had to?  How old are we?  Why can't we just be who we are comfortable being and be accepted for that?  Extroversion might be the easier of the two social spectrums, but it's not necessarily better!

It wearies me.

* ... with the one exception of PLD Christmas parties.  PLD has been known to read this blog, is a past employer, a good friend, and hosts family company Christmas parties that even this introvert can appreciate and enjoy!

Christmas events

This Christmas is one that I, personally, am a little glad that it's behind us.  Jen and I both had a difficult time getting into the spirit of the season this year.  Just how much difficulty, you ask?  Well, as I write this, it is the 28th of December and our Christmas tree is still without ornaments.  Yep, we put up the tree mid-month, got as far as the lights... and ran out of deck-the-halls energy!  We squeaked through Christmas on a bare minimum level of activity this year, and I'm not sure that's a bad thing... maybe even refreshing!  Of course, it didn't help that 5 out of 6 of us were some sort of sick through the bulk of the holiday.  I'm hoping we have more holiday energy next year, but here are a few of the few photos we bothered to take:

Lily, looking pretty for her kindergarten Christmas program.

She enjoyed singing.

Dylan and Zachary (shepherd #1 and shepherd #2) in the church Christmas play.  Costumes were pretty low-key, but when we were debating what Zachary should wear, I suggested his sandals.  He was upset that they were trimmed in bright green with the brand "Nerf" prominent in bright green.  He said Biblical shepherds would not wear Nerf sandals.  We said, maybe he was an affluent shepherd named Nerf, with monogrammed sandals.  He chose not to wear the sandals, but we still called him, "Nerf, the keeper of the sheep"!

Dylan's second role (King Herod).

post-play cast picture

Lily wanted a "radio-controlled dog".  Meet Go-Go, the Fur Real Friends mechanical dog.  She walks, she wags, she barks... and nobody has to clean up the yard!

Story here:  The boys have had a very outdated Sony PlayStation video game for several years.  They wanted a Nintendo Gamecube this year, which is still outdated, but less outdated than what they had.  Our family is not sure we are Wii impressed, so the Gamecube is, in my opinion, still a great system for cheap.  They relentlessly bugged me for a few months prior to Christmas.  I wrapped just the power cord/transformer and kept it separate from the rest of the gifts.  Their hope was getting deflated as they got to their last gifts, and no Gamecube.  I was proud of them, though.  They were mature about it, and I felt just a little bad.  After everything was opened, I let them sit a few minutes.  Then, in the spirit of Ralphie Parker's Dad (from the movie, A Christmas Story), I produced one last gift for them (but too small to be a Nintendo Gamecube).  Slightly confused, they opened it.  Even more confused, they studied it for a moment.  In this photo, Zachary is just discovering the small words on the transformer body, "Nintendo Gamecube", and the realization is dawning on Dylan.  Much excitement erupted seconds after this photo!  Boys... you've been PONED!

As I was uploading photos, I realized that poor Benny wasn't represented in this year's Christmas photos.  Sorry, Benny!  You'd have to know Benny, but he takes so much parental energy that there isn't always any photographic energy left over.  He was really not into Christmas.  Not the gifts, not the unwrapping, not much of anything.  It doesn't help that he has had a nasty cold and hasn't been eating or sleeping well through the holiday.  I'll have to get a few pictures with his new toys, but for now, these are, unfortunately for him, about the only Benny Christmas pictures this year:

Benny is lately into trying on other people's shoes.  Here he is checking his look in sister's ruby Christmas shoes!

Secure in his manhood and happy with his look!  Love ya, Benny Jay!

Royal Ambassadors

Our church has some kids programs that are new to our boys.  Royal Ambassadors meets on Sunday evenings for boys in grades 1-6.  Dylan and Zachary have been attending RA's for a few months, enjoying it, and making some new friends.

A few weeks ago, they had an award presentation during the Sunday morning service for RA's and GA's (Girls in Action, the sister group for girls in grades 1-6).  Mr. Rick, the RA leader, made it a special time for the boys.  After he passed out the previous year's awards, he had a commissioning service for the coming year for the boys.  He had them all come to the front of the church, and they lit candles to represent each point in the Royal Ambassador pledge, which they recited.  It is as follows:

As a Royal Ambassador I will do my best:

• To be a well-informed, responsible follower of Christ;
• To have a Christ-like concern for all people;
• To learn how to carry the message of Christ around the world;
• To work with others in sharing Christ; and
• To keep myself clean and healthy in mind and body.



Dylan

After this, he had the parents of the boys stand up, and he gave a challenge to the boys and their parents.  Although my boys have not been in the group long enough to earn awards, Dylan worked hard to meet the requirements to earn his RA vest, which Mr. Rick presented to him as part of the ceremony.  Zachary almost met the requirements, and I think he thought he could slide through and get his vest, anyway.  I was glad that Mr. Rick stuck to the standards and didn't let Zachary slide through.  He did give him a second chance to get his vest at the next RA meeting, and Zachary took it more serious and earned the vest, but too late for the ceremony.



Zachary

Being new to this church and being the protective parent that I am, it worries me a little to drop my kids off for an hour program, not knowing the teachers very well.  I know it's church, but there have been plenty of scandals in churches in recent times.  What time I have spent talking with Mr. Rick, though, he seems to genuinely care about the boys.  It seems like he's not just leading the group because "somebody needs to do it."  This was evidenced by the fact that he took the extra effort to make the ceremony a special event.  Also, during the ceremony, one of the boys graduated from the program and Mr. Rick presented him with a special RA Bible and pocket knife.  He got emotional and teared up when he made this presentation.  I'm glad to have other men in my boys lives that take a genuine interest in them and strive to be positive role models for them, and I'm excited to have my kids grounded in some programs where they can have fun, learn, and make some new friends. 

The kids are glad, too.  Dylan told me recently that if we visited any more new churches he wasn't going to go.  At this age, he doesn't really have a choice, but I know what he means, and I take the warning signs seriously!  Kids need stability, and leaving their old church and friends behind and bouncing around for the past year-plus has been tough on all of us!

church search

As I've mentioned before, we have been without a church home for over a year. It has been a long and difficult search, but I think we have finally landed. This is not to say that we have found the "perfect" church... we would, after all, mess it up by attending, if this were the case. Rather, we have found a church that is both similar, and considerably different than those of our past; and a church where truth is taught and relationships can be built. 

I grew up in a certain type of church, independent of a "mainline", organized, governed denomination. I'm used to some things a certain way, and I'm used to being taught that some things should be (or not be) a certain way.  I'm not convinced that some of these "sacred" religious traditions are... well, sacred.  They've always seemed comfortable (possibly just out of habit), but sacred... probably not so much.  Let me make it clear that my doctrine has not changed... there are certain things on which I, Biblically, cannot budge.  And, there are still some traditions on which I, with little (or likely no) Biblical stance, still may choose not to budge.  But, there are a lot of things that I just have to ask, "does it really have to be that way"?  I have been asking questions, such as this, a few years now, and the questions will likely continue to be asked, pondered and researched, but not necessarily answered with certainty.  I think, though, at this stage of my life, that this is healthy questioning.  They are not the doubt-my-faith-and-sow-my-wild-oats kind of questioning of a younger man, but more like pondering just where grace and legalism collide in Christianity, and how grace looks in my life, my individual personality, my family, and the church I chose to attend.

Every time I have needed to switch churches (always because I moved), I have searched for, found, and attended one fairly similar to the church of my childhood. Since I met my wife in one such church, it has never been very difficult for us to find, agree on, and settle into a new church... until now.  For the first time, we chose to leave our church for reasons unassociated with moving. Although I don't feel the need to specifically discuss those reasons, they dovetail, or possibly prompt, some of the questioning.

So, for the first time, we started visiting churches with different names on the door than what we were used too... you know, the labels that man puts on God's churches.  It was refreshing to find that we can worship in a church that differs some from "what we've always done".  In just over a year, we visited about a half dozen churches, some a few times, some many times; ranging from one mile to eighteen miles from our home.  In the end, we chose one based on a very simple criteria... convenience.  We chose the church that is one mile from our house. 

During our search, I had a conversation with another Dad (who lives in our town and attends the same church we now attend) who had just been through a similar "church search".  He said something that stuck with me: 

"There are over a dozen churches in our small town.  Surely I can find one among them where my family can worship without driving to someone else's town." 

I think he has something there.  I'm not completely opposed to driving a reasonable distance to attend a good church, and I'm not saying I wouldn't do it at some point in the future if the need arises to switch churches (which I would not be eager to do anytime soon).  Although the one eighteen miles from our home seemed to have a lot to offer everyone in the family, I think there is something to be said for going to a church in your own small town, where your kids go to school with most of the kids they are building friendships with at church.

This time, I looked for a church home with a broader vision than I had in times past, and I think I learned a few valuable lessons because of it.  I'll still need to stretch a little, keep an open mind, and rethink a few non-sacred items... but that's not all bad!  I'm pretty sure the "perfect church" does not exist this side of heaven, but, nonetheless, I think we're in a supportive community of Christ-followers, where God is worshipped, truth is taught and relationships can be built.  Regardless of the name on the door or the denominational structure, isn't that really what church should be about?

writer's rewards

Blogging was foreign to me until I started exploring the possibility of adoption.  It was then that I started reading blogs of adoptive families, in various stages of the adoption process.  Since Jen was unable to join me in traveling to China to bring home our daughter, I started my first blog, "to China, for Lily", to chronicle the trip for her, the boys and other family members and friends.

In school, I gravitated toward Arts and English rather than Math and Science, so it was no surprise that I found blogging enjoyable... especially when my blog link spread throughout the adoptive community, causing strangers from various states and countries to read and comment on my travel posts.  Maybe my ego has needs, but I found it rewarding to have various people interested enough in what I wrote to bother reading it.  But, not just reading it... some actually commented on what I wrote, which feels a little like payday for a blogger.  (Some readers may not understand this, but most bloggers or aspiring writers can relate!)

After being home from China a few weeks, I decided to preserve "to China, for Lily" and replace it with "Backside of Forty" to include the rest of my growing family, and other topics I might find worth writing about... a memior, of sorts, about my life roles and accomplishments, struggles and (when I'm feeling vulnerable) failures.  Generally, it's what makes me tick.

In addition to the thrill of knowing a few people read what I write, I have three main motivations for my current blog:

1. I hope my kids will someday appreciate what made Dad tick.
2. Life moves fast.  If I don't journal some of it, I'll forget some of it.
3. Writing is therapeutic.  I sometimes write to process thoughts.

Recently, I had a glimpse of goal number one.  All blog stats and comments aside, my 10 year-old son (who loves to read), for the first time and on a few different occassions, just sat down and read my blog... not just a recent post or two, but deep back through the archives.  I received comments (audible, not in the comment section) from him, like:  I forgot about that; That was a fun time; I like reading your blog, Dad; and (my favorite), laughter.

That was one of the best writer's rewards!

pudgee smudgees

I wear glasses.  Everyday.  All day.  For the past 30-plus years. 

I can (and do) tolerate some dust and dirt on my lenses.  But, finger smudges are another story.  They are intolerable... until lately.

I've been battling finger smudges on my lenses, recently, a bit more than normal.  And, no, I'm not just suddenly getting careless in the handling of my glasses!  Why, then?

Since Benny is developmentally delayed (I say that hesitantly, not wanting to insult or embarrass him), we are proud of him and praise him for things that parents of other children his age may just take for granted.  He is making progress in his speech and motor skills, and enjoying going to preschool two days per week at our county MRDD school.  It has been good for his development and he does well with the structure.  The hope is still that he will catch up with his peers, but for now, all strides in development are encouraged and celebrated.

In this case, at 27 months, one of the recent new Benny activities is for him to point out and name both his and our "nose, eye and mmmm [mouth]".  He does this often, then claps and says, "Yay!" (Because we clap and say, "Yay!")  Of course, his goal is to actually touch (not just point to) the nose, eyes and mouth with his pudgee little finger!

Well... I think you see why this Dad often sports pudgee smudgees on his eyeglass lenses!  But, they're only little for such a short time... I'll deal with a few smudges!

Love you, Benny J.  You're my favorite Benny in the whole world!

Of course, everyone knows Lego tubs are for sitting in!

Daddy's footsteps?

automotive history

Despite the fact that I am currently attempting to provide for my family as an "automotive sales consultant", I personally hate buying and/or selling cars.  It is one of the necessary evils of life, as evidenced by the fact that I am 42 years old, and still driving two of the five total vehicles purchased during my adult lifetime.

This post was inspired, in two ways, by a blogger/facebook friend, the Father of Five.  First, he recently posted a picture of his first car on facebook.  Second, during slow times at work (of which there have lately been ample), I have been skimming some of his archived blog posts and saw a post featuring his history of automobile ownership. 

I think it's a guy thing, but we like recounting our driving/ownership history.  That said, here are the rides with which I have been associated (those in red represent my actual purchases):

1.     1976 AMC Hornet Sportabout.  (stock photo)  My parents owned this car.  It was a red station wagon, with wood grain sides, a straight 6 engine and an automatic transmission.  I learned to drive and passed my test (the first attempt) in this car, and drove it a few years until I proudly purchased the '81 Rabbit. 

2.     1981 VW Rabbit.  I purchased my first car, sight unseen, from my Great Uncle Bill and Aunt Bernie. Although I had previously seen it over the years, it was in Florida when the purchase was agreed upon. It had a 4-cylinder diesel engine and a 4-speed manual transmission; and, although I'm not proud of it, my friend could beat me off the line at a traffic light in her... Yugo (he says with head hung low in shame)!  I added fog lamps, raised white-letter tires, an AM/FM/cassette stereo, a CB radio, chrome splash guards and exhaust tip, and beamed with pride at my first ride.  I did not know how to drive stick when I purchased the car, but we went to Florida over Christmas break, and I drove it back home to Ohio... pretty well mastering stick-shift driving in the process.  I drove it until there was little to no life in it, and (sadly) sold it for scrap.

3.     1986 VW Golf.  Replacing the '81 Rabbit, this vehicle was another 4-cylinder diesel with a 5-speed stick... a little more gutsy than the 4-speed Rabbit, but not much.  I owned this car when I dated and married my wife, and we drove it to Gatlinburg, Tennessee on our honeymoon.  Although it still ran great, my wife "strongly suggested" I get something "safer and more reliable" when we started having children.  I conceded.

4.     1988 Ford Escort.  Jen bought this car shortly after we started dating.  It had a 5-speed stick and I helped teach her the basics of stick-shift driving.  She owned it when we got married, but we were neither extremely fond of it, so shortly thereafter I sold it and bought a '95 Saturn.

5.     1995 Saturn SL.  This car replaced the '88 Escort.  With a 5-speed stick, this was perhaps my favorite car, to date.  Simple.  Reliable.  Comfortable.  Economical.  That's my kind of car.  The first two summers we were married, we took this car to Acadia National Park, in Maine.  I would probably still be driving it, but our family size necessitated a van, and it was the logical one to sell, due to higher mileage.  I sold it to two brothers to drive to college, and I still occasionally see it running around town.

6.     2001 Chevrolet Lumina.  This highly practical V6 automatic car replaced the '86 Golf, and it is presently my primary ride (minus the cargo "attic").

7.     2005 Dodge Grand Caravan SXT.  This V6 automatic van replaced the '95 Saturn, and it is presently Jen's primary ride.  (And, for the record, I'm a guy who has no image problems driving a minivan.  It's the most practical and utilitarian vehicle I have owned, to date, and I'm all about practical.  What's more, I'm proud to be a father of four, tooling around with a van full of kids!)

wordless wednesday